


Fundamentals

by versaphile



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Character Study, Episode: s03e12 The Sound of Drums, Gen, Missing Scene
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-08-26
Updated: 2007-08-26
Packaged: 2017-11-25 10:44:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 409
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/638064
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/versaphile/pseuds/versaphile
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A short piece that's a moment from the Last Act universe, set during The Sound of Drums. What defines him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fundamentals

The thing about him, now, is the grief. That weight that's almost a visible thing that he carries, like Marley's chains. He was brittle and prickly, refusing to accommodate, and now that has crystallized inside him, but he tries so hard for joy. Tries too hard, really, and that makes it so much harder for him when he fails. If he just keeps moving, just keeps pretending, maybe he'll believe in happiness again.

He killed his own race and destroyed his planet. It's old news, it's been years now, but sometimes he has to step back and really stare that in the face. No matter how much good it did for the universe, no matter how necessary it was, he believes himself to be a horrible, horrific monster. He can't be anything but deeply traumatized, and he's certainly depressed, in the real, clinical sense. He needs a support system, but he can't hold on to people long enough to make himself vulnerable to them. He relied on Rose and when he lost her it was like losing everything good. He let himself be pulled into her family circle and he lost the entire family circle all at once. It's a miracle that he let himself go back to pick up Martha at all, because that was dangerous. It was setting himself up for more loss on top of his unbearable amount of grief. He took time in deciding to go back for her, built another sonic screwdriver and changed his mind too many times.

There is so much pain in him, so much guilt and grief and loneliness. But he defies that, he swallows it all down and he refuses to let it rule him. He keeps exploring, he does his utmost to find beauty in the universe, he wants to be surprised. Most of all he hopes, he hopes so much and so deeply and no matter how much death and horror he sees he keeps on hoping. And that's what makes him the Doctor, above everything else. Because he has to try, even if failing hurts worse than dying. He has to give those second chances, if there's just a glimmer of hope. He destroyed the Racnoss and the Family of Blood, but he helped Dalek Sec, he will save the Master, because there's hope, and that's the thing he needs most of all, because it's so hard to keep going under the weight of his sorrow.


End file.
